A Little Mud Bath?
by rubyflanigan
Summary: Crack!Fic. The team are off-world and get into a spot of bother, with interesting consequences...


The Mud Bath

The day had started simply enough. A routine outing to P4M-274 for the Elandoan equivalent of a harvest festival; sit through the ceremony, eat the local produce, toast with harvest wine, and back in time for take out and team movie night. That had been the plan at least, and for the most part the day had gone according to it. Until, of course, Cam had nearly been sacrificed to the Gods.

The rain stopped around 20 minutes before the start of the ceremony to praise what ever 'God of the Seasons and Fertility' the Elandoan's worshiped,

"A blessed sign" the village elder had declared. Toasts were directed toward the sky, lasting what seemed like hours, a whole cup of harvest wine being consumed by the locals with each one. Cam leaned over to Daniel,

"Is it me or are harvest festivals just an excuse for getting blind drunk?" he asked softly. Daniel shrugged,

"You get used to it"

Cam leaned back, turning to Sam

"You get used to it? I'd get used to it a lot easier if you were wearing one of those" he said with a wink, motioning toward the Elandoan ceremonial dress, which left little to the imagination.

"Cameron!" she exclaimed, rolling her eyes for the benefit of the others, before giving him a sly smile.

Finally the toasting was over and the feasting commenced, with more harvest wine, and dancing.

"I was hoping there'd be dancing" Cam deadpanned

"If you ask me…" Vala began, being interrupted by Daniel

"We didn't"

Vala glared at him, then continued

"If you ask me, this is the most boring event I have ever experienced and I've sat through countless mission briefings. What's say we dance, Muscles?" and she dragged Teal'c away before he could answer, watched in disbelief by Sam, Cam and Daniel.

It was then that the trouble started. One of the (very drunk) locals, Jontait, as they had previously discovered, stumbled into them, slurring something incomprehensible. Sam smiled and nodded, an action she immediately regretted when Jontait began fawning over her and trying to kiss her. Cam stood,

"Whoa there, big fella" he said as he pushed Jontait back. At that moment the music and dancing stopped, the locals falling silent, turning to the scene before them.

"What?" Cam asked defensively. The elder stepped forward to explain.

"Jontait has intended to take Colonel Carter as his. You have defended her honour and so you must to battle"

"Oh, boy" sighed Sam.

Cam found himself in the temporary ring, armed with a staff, following Daniel, Sam and his own unsuccessful protestations. Sam looked concerned, 'cute as hell' Cam thought, but it was Vala who spoke out

"I hope you know what you're doing! He's the 'Village Champion' you know, and he's a lot bigger than you!"

Cam eyeballed her, then looked at Sam,

"Hey, don't worry about me, I've got those Sodan moves!" and with that Jontait knocked his feet from under him, landing Cam flat on his front in the mud. Sam, Daniel and Vala flinched, and the Elandoan people cheered. Cam got to his feet and regained his composure. He managed to dodge a few of Jontait's shots, before landing one of his own, catching the other man in the ribs.

The battle continued, Cam holding his own against the 'Village Champion', but on more than one occasion found himself sprawled out on his back. While Daniel returned to discussion with the Elder, Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow at the cheering locals. Sam and Vala watched the fight continue with fascination, Vala mimicking the ducking and swiping, grimacing each time Jontait caught Cam with the staff. Sam, however, was enjoying the spectacle for entirely different reasons. Her heart was racing and she started to flush. She was staring, at Cam, covered in mud, everywhere, especially his backside.

"What an ass" she observed quietly, Vala hearing the tail end.

"What?" she asked. Sam smiled dreamily.

"Oh nothing"

Cam found a second wind, knocking Jontait out cold with a few carefully placed blows ahead of dropping to his knees, exhausted.

"Yes!" cried Sam and Vala together, high-fiving each other before Sam looked at Cam again. There was something delicious about him all beat up and dirty, she thought. She felt something stir. She wanted to kiss him, jump him and kiss him, and get as muddy as him. But a silence had fallen throughout the village. The Elandoan Elder stepped up.

"You have defeated our Village Champion on our sacred day of Harvest Celebration. We have been cursed. We must repent. You will be offered to the Gods" he said, directing his last statement at Cam, who held up his hands

"What? No wait a minute" he said

The Elder turned to the locals, giving instruction

"Prepare the Altar"

Sam, Teal'c and Vala surrounded Cam protectively, while Daniel attempted to reason with the Elder.

"Teal'c, Vala… you and Daniel create a distraction. I'll get Cam out of harms way" stated Sam. Her team mates nodded and gathered Daniel, while she helped Cam to his feet. Many of the locals had begun to close in around them, but were panicked by a small explosion, allowing Sam to seize her opportunity and drag Cam to safety.

She pulled him away from the crowd that had gathered, ushered him into an alleyway, out of sight. She pinned him against a wall – the side of the village Elder's house – by his arms, she kissed him, hard, pressing her body into his as much as tac-vests would allow, grinding her hips into his.

Sam broke away, her breathing heavy and needy. She was nearly as muddy as he was now, but she didn't care. It's what had started this, these feelings, these urges, in the first place. She studied him for a second, taking in his appearance. They locked eyes, hers filled with wanton desire, his, a mixture of confusion and feral excitement. 'Mmm, dirty' she thought, before the urge overtook her again.

"Cam…" she just about managed as her lips met his, her tongue seeking and gaining entry to his mouth, hand frantically undoing his tac-vest, his jacket, and pulling his t-shirt from his BDU pants.

His arms had wound their way around her, holding her tightly against his body. She allowed him this, she enjoyed knowing just how she was affecting him, but she eventually shrugged him off, wriggling out of his embrace and unbuckling his belt. She trailed kisses along his jaw while trying to undo his pants.

He stopped her, taking hold of her wrists.

"Cam… let me do this" she pleaded.

"What the hell's gotten into you? Don't get me wrong, I like it, really, it's kinda sexy"

"Kinda sexy?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Alright, a lot sexy" he admitted, letting her wrists go. She pressed against him, grinding her hips into his again, causing him to groan.

"Well let me do this then"

He held her at arms length.

"What have you, and delete as appropriate, taken/eaten/been possessed by?"

"It's you"

"Me?!" he choked out

"You. You look so… dirty" she explained, pure lust emanating from her. He looked down at his uniform. She was right, he was filthy. Then he grasped her meaning.

"Oh, Joseph and Mary, you're telling me you have a mud fetish?!"

She looked at him, bit her lip and nodded, before jumping, startled by the sound of Daniel's voice.

"Sam, Mitchell, there you are"

"Daniel!" Sam exclaimed, attempting to hide both her surprise and disappointment.

Daniel eyed Cam, who realised his state of undress and quickly zipped up his jacket.

"Muddy…" he offered as explanation, gesturing toward his BDU's.

"I see that" Daniel said, before glancing at a rather sheepish-looking Sam.

Cam maintained a normal conversation as best he could.

"So, the angry mob?" he asked

"Ah, not so angry. Vala managed to diffuse the situation."

Cam and Sam looked at him puzzled,

"I know..." Daniel responded "I think she's passing on her knowledge and wisdom. Acquisition, in its various forms, of rare artefacts the last I heard"

"Wow that must be some lesson" Cam replied.

"Hmmm. So," Daniel turned to Sam "what you been doing?"

"Oh, um, saving Cam from the people who want to sacrifice him, you know, the usual" she offered.

"Nothing else?"

"No, why d'you ask?"

"Oh… no reason" he said, raising an eyebrow at Sam's mud-covered uniform.

"I, uh, I slipped" she lied.

"OK, I can see that. Vala and Teal'c are in the main square. You wanna meet us there when you're done?" Not waiting for an answer, Daniel turned and walked out of the alleyway.

"Jackson knows, doesn't he?" asked Cam once Daniel was out of ear shot.

"Uh-huh" she said, nodding.

"You ever…?"

"With Daniel? Oh no, no. Just you"

"Just me, huh?"

Sam moved closer to him again.

"Just you"

Cam let his head roll back. Part of him wanted to allow Sam to play out her fantasy, the other part – the professional, military part of him – had to put a stop it, off-world at least. He took a step away from her, toward the entrance to the alleyway and zipping up his tac-vest.

"C'mon, we'd better rescue those poor, unsuspecting people from Vala"

"Cam…" she sighed, frustrated.

"We gotta get home, Sam"

"But..."

"I'll stay dirty" he promised, laughing as her eyes lit up.

"You will?"

"Cross my heart"


End file.
